Jokes

Flymekanikeren (rul ned for dansk version)
After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes, and then the mechanics read and correct the problem. 

They then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, as submitted by QUANTAS pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot. 
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers. 
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. 
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. 
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. 
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft. 
P: Something loose in cockpit. 
S: Something tightened in cockpit. 
P: Dead bugs on windshield. 
S: Live bugs on back-order. 
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent. 
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. 
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. 
S: Evidence removed. 
P: DME volume unbelievably loud. 
S: DME volume set to more believable level. 
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. 
S: That’s what they’re there for. 
P: IFF inoperative. 
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. 
P: Suspected crack in windshield. 
S: Suspect you’re right. 
P: Number 3 engine missing. 
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. 
P: Aircraft handles funny. 
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. 
P: Target radar hums. 
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words. 
P: Mouse in cockpit. 
S: Cat installed.

Oversat de oversættelige:

Flytjek før afrejsen
Efter hver flyvning hos Quantas airlines udfylder piloten et stykke papir, som mekanikerne læser, hvorefter de retter op på problemet. De oplyser skriftligt på blankettens nederste halvdel hvilke udbedringer de har foretaget, og piloten gennemlæser rapporten inden næste flyvning.

Her er nogle virkelige registrerede klager over manglende vedligeholdelse og problemer, som Quantas piloter har indleveret, samt hvilken løsning vedligeholdelsespersonalet har noteret.

Forresten, så er Quantas det eneste større flyselskab, der aldrig har haft en alvorlig ulykke!

P = Problem indberettet af piloten. 
S = Svar noteret af mekanikeren.

= = = = = = = = = = =

P: Inderste hjul i venstre side skal næsten skiftes. 
S: Har næsten skiftet inderste hjul i venstre side!

P: Test-flyvningen gik OK, bortset fra, at den automatiske landing var noget hård. 
S: Der er ikke installeret automatisk landing på dette fly…

P: Propel nr. 2 får ikke tilført nok propelsmørelse. 
S: Tilførsel til propel nr. 2 normal. Tilførslen til propel nr. 1, 3 og 4 er i uorden!

P: Et eller andet sidder løst i cockpittet. 
S: Et eller andet er blevet strammet i cockpittet.

P: Døde insekter på forruden. 
S: Levende insekter er i restordre…

P: Bevis på læk i højre sides landingsstel. 
S: Beviset fjernet.

P: Lyden i samtaleanlægget er utroligt høj. 
S: Lyden i samtaleanlægget indstillet til et mere troværdigt niveau.

P: Modstandslåse får gashåndtaget til at sidde fast. 
S: Det er ligesom dét, de er der for…

P: Radioen ude af drift. 
S: Radioen er altid ude af drift, når den står på OFF.

P: Har en mistanke om revne i forruden. 
S: Har en mistanke om, at du har ret!

P: Mangler motor nr. 3. 
S: Motoren fundet på højre vinge efter kort eftersøgning…

P: Flyet opfører sig sjovt. 
S: Flyet har fået besked på at tage sig sammen, flyve ordentligt og være lidt seriøst!

P: Radaren brummer. 
S: Har omprogrammeret radaren til tale.

P: Mus i cockpittet. 
S: Kat installeret.

Strudsen
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $9.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”
Again the man re aches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again.
“The usual?” asks the waitress. “No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad,” says the man. “Same,” says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.” Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your
pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”
“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”
“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.
The waitress asks, “But, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

Ånden i lampen
A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice – her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. 
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head. 
The wife asked the man, “Do you live here?” 
“No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!” he answered. 
The wife asked, “Are you a genie?” 
“Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself,” the man replied. 
The husband and wife agreed on two wishes – one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever. 
The genie nodded his head and said, “Done!” 
The genie now said, “For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire.” 
The husband and wife agreed. 
After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, “How long have you been married?” 
To which she responded, “Three years.” 
The genie then asked, “How old is your husband?” 
To which she replied, “31 years old” 

The genie then asked, “And how long has he believed in this genie crap?”

Vejret og indianerne
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky he couldn’t tell what the hell the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. 
Being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?” 
“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,” the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. 
One week later he called the National Weather Service again. “Is it going to be a very cold winter?” he asked. “Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.” The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?” 
“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It looks like it’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever.” 
“How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy”. 

George W. Bush og Condolezza Rice
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening? 
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. 
George: Great. Lay it on me. 
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. 
George: That’s what I want to know. 
Condi: That’s what I’m telling you. 
George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China? 
Condi: Yes. 
George: I mean the fellow’s name. 
Condi: Hu. 
George: The guy in China. 
Condi: Hu. 
George: The new leader of China. 
Condi: Hu. 
George: The Chinaman! 
Condi: Hu is leading China. 
George: Now whaddya’ asking me for? 
Condi: I’m telling you Hu is leading China. 
George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China? 
Condi: That’s the man’s name. 
George: That’s who’s name? 
Condi: Yes. 
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China? 
Condi: Yes, sir. 
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East. 
Condi: That’s correct. 
George: Then who is in China? 
Condi: Yes, sir. 
George: Yassir is in China? 
Condi: No, sir. 
George: Then who is? 
Condi: Yes, sir. 
George: Yassir? 
Condi: No, sir. 
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. 
Condi: Kofi? 
George: No, thanks. 
Condi: You want Kofi? 
George: No. 
Condi: You don’t want Kofi. 
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N. 
Condi: Yes, sir. 
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N. 
Condi: Kofi? 
George: Milk! Will you please make the call? 
Condi: And call who? 
George: Who is the guy at the U.N? 
Condi: Hu is the guy in China. 
George: Will you stay out of China?! 
Condi: Yes, sir. 
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. 
Condi: Kofi. 
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. 
(Condi picks up the phone.) 
Condi: Rice, here. 
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East? 

Surrealisten og pæren
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub
with brightly colored machine tools.

Intet slår et godt ordspil!
A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says they don’t serve pieces of string in his bar. The piece of string leaves, goes into the alley and begins to unwind and twist himself all over. He then goes back to the bartender who says “Hey, aren’t you the same piece of string that was in here a minute ago?” 
The piece of string says, “No, I’m a freyed not.” 

25 tegn på, du er blevet voksen
25 signs you’ve grown up: 

Your house plants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them. 
Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 
You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 
You hear your favorite song on an elevator. 
You watch the Weather Channel. 
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up. 
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.” 
You’re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won’t turn down the stereo. 
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 
You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 
Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up. 
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers. 
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 
You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM. 
Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. 
Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. 
You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. 
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff.” 
You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 
“I just can’t drink the way I used to,” replaces, “I’m never going to drink that much again.” 
90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 
You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 
You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you!!!

Apotekeren
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. 
At the cashregister, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. 
That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!” 
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. 
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. 
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.” 
The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.” 

Kyllingen i mudderhullet – uoversættelig
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life.Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer’s car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his “thing” and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.

Sande ord!
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

The things that come to those that wait are the things left by those who
got in first.

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

Just remember – if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane

Hvor længe mon den bliver ved med at være morsom?

You know you’re living in 2004 when…

  1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
  2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
  3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
  4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
  5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.
  6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
  7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial “9” to get an outside line.
  8. You’ve sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
  9. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o’clock news.
  10. Your boss doesn’t have the ability to do your job.
  11. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
  12. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
  13. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
  14. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
  15. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 🙂
  16. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.
  17. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
  18. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
  19. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Hos St. Peter – altid en klassiker
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said.
“You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”
Saint Peter said, “you may pass through the pearly gates.”
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”
The man replied, “They’re Carol’s.” 

Frøen
A beautiful, well endowed, young lady went to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looked about the store, she noticed a box full of frogs. The sign said: “Sex Frogs! Only $20 each!
Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions.”
The girl excitedly looked around to see if anybody was watching her and whispered softly to the man behind the counter, “I’ll take one.”
The man packaged the frog and said, “Just follow the instructions carefully.”
The girl nodded, grabbed the box, and quickly went home. As soon as she closed the door to her apartment, she read the instructions thoroughly and carefully. 
Then she followed the instructions to the letter:

  1. Take a shower.
  2. Splash on some nice-smelling perfume.
  3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
  4. Crawl into bed and place the frog in the bed.
    She quickly got into bed with the frog. To her surprise, nothing happened.
    The girl was totally frustrated and quite upset. She reread the instructions and noticed that, at the bottom of the page, there was a note.
    It said, “If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.”
    So, the lady called the pet store. The man said, “I had some other complaints earlier today. I’ll be right over.”
    Within five minutes, the man was ringing her doorbell.
    The lady welcomed him and said, “See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn frog just sits there.”
    The man, looking very concerned, picked up the frog, stared directly into its eyes, and sternly said, “Listen to me! I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!” 

Talking Clock
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big brass gong next to the bed.
“What’s a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?” one of the guests asked.
“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied.
“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.
“Yup,” replied the drunk.
“How’s it work?” the friend asked, squinting at it.
“Watch,” the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “You asshole, it’s three o’clock in the morning!” 

Nygifte
At 85 years of age, Morris marries LouAnne, a lovely 25-year-old. Because her new husband is so old, LouAnne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris are to have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities, LouAnne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected “knock” on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of LouAnne, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, LouAnne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It’s Morris! And he’s again ready for more action! Somewhat surprised, LouAnne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses LouAnne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves.
LouAnne is set to go to sleep again. However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again. Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.
As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, “I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, I’ve been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once! You’re a great lover, Morris.”
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to LouAnne and says, “You mean I was here already?” 

Intet slår et godt ordspil II

  1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
  2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
  3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
  4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
  5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
  6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
  7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’”
    “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
    “Is it common?”
    “Well, It’s Not Unusual.”
  8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.
  9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
  10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
  11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
  12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t – I’ve cut off your arms!”
  13. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.
  14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
  15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says “Dam!”.
  16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
  17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

En druktur
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,
cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!:
“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!” He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, “Son. what happened last night?” 
“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”
Confused he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?” His son replies, “Oh THAT!… Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, lady, I’m married!”

George Carlin’s Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

“How old are you?” “I’m four and a half!” You’re never thirty-six and a half. You’re four and a half, going on five! That’s the key.

You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

“How old are you?” “I’m gonna be 16!” You could be 13, but hey, you’re gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now, you’re Just a sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50

and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it’s a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; “I Was JUST 92.”

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. “I’m 100 and a half!”

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

Scottish language
A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the North Woods of Canada, both liked to hunt. They were hunting for deer when all of a sudden a moose popped up in front of them. It was so unexpected, neither of them had a chance to fire. 
The Scotsman was shaken. “Hoot mon, wit in blazes was that?!” 
“That was a moose,” the Canadian replied. 
“What are ye saying, lad? A moose? Good Lord, I’d hate to see yer rats!”

The Way Children See Things! 

DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: “Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn .. and into the hole he gooooes.”

Definitioner

1)Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.

2)Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through “the minds of either”

3)Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

4)Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

5)Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power ..

6)Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

7)Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

8)Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

9)Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

10)Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

11)Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

12)Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Biler og computere
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “‘If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.’ 

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following
characteristics (and I just love this part):

  1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash…….. Twice a day. 
  2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 
  3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to
    pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and 
    reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply 
    accept this. 
  4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut 
    down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 
  5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times 
    as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads. 
  6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by 
    a single ‘This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation’ warning light. 
  7. The airbag system would ask ‘Are you sure?’ before deploying. 
  8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to 
    let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed
    hold of the radio antenna. 
  9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all 
    over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 
  10. You’d have to press the ‘Start’ button to turn the engine OFF.

Sande ord II

  1. A day without sunshine is like night. 
  2. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 
  3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 
  4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 
  5. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 
  6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 
  7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 
  8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. 
  9. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have. 
  10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 
  11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 
  12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 
  13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand. 
  14. OK, so what’s the speed of dark? 
  15. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane. 
  16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 
  17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 
  18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines 
  19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice? 
  20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 
  21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, “What the hell happened?” 
  22. Just remember — if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off. 
  23. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 
  24. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow

Leksigalt
Aktindsigt – Når man kigger ind ad vinduet til nogen, der gør det frække. 

Barbar – Udskænkningssted for nudister.

Cyklist – Se under lastbil.

E-Pistel – Det Nye Testamentes version af e-mail.

Foragt – Første del af et teaterstykke der spilles forrest på et skib.

Hovmester – Sidste år blev titlen vundet af Karl Guth, der skoede 12 heste på en time.

Indiskret – Serveres som regel på indisk restaurant.

Kantlister – En person, der går meget stille helt inde ved husmuren.

Kaotisk – Se under Kroatisk

Kuglepen – Almindelig dyppepen der især anvendes af rockere.

Målfoto – Et 13 * 18 billede af Peter Schmeichel.

Ostekiks – Når et stykke Gorgonzola overtræder i længdespring.

Pibetobak – Tobaksplante, der klemmer fingrene i døren.

Sommerlig – Bør fjernes, inden det begynder at lugte i varmen.

Støvregn – Når støvsugerposen eksploderer.

Sukkerknald -Udenomsægteskabeligt engangsforhold på Danisco.

Tevarmer – Trøje strikket af små snore fra teposer.

Åkande – Bærbar beholder til opfyldning af udtørrede vandløb.

Yuppie prioriteter
En ung ambitiøs yuppie besluttede sig endelig til at tage en ferie. Han bookede en plads på et krydstogt til Caribien, og han morede sig kosteligt. Lige indtil båden sank. 

Manden fandt sig selv liggende på stranden af en ø uden andre mennesker, ingen forsyninger, ingenting. Kun bananer og kokosnødder.

En dag ca. 4 måneder senere ligger manden på stranden, da den smukkeste kvinde han nogensinde havde set kommer roende hen til ham.

Måbende spørger han hende: “Hvor kommer du fra, hvordan kom du herhen?”

“Jeg kom roende fra den anden side af øen”, svarede hun, “jeg endte på øen, da mit krydstogtskib sank”.

“Fantastisk”, sagde han, “du var virkelig heldig, at der skyllede en robåd op sammen med dig.”

“Nå, den her?” svarer hun, “Jeg lavede den af råmaterialer, som jeg fandt rundt omkring på øen. Årene kommer fra grene fra gummitræer. Bunden vævede jeg af palmeblade, og siderne og stævnen kom fra et eucalyptustræ.”

“Men, men æh, det er jo umuligt,” fremstammer manden, “du havde jo overhovedet ingen værktøj. Hvordan gjorde du det?”

“åh, det var skam ikke noget problem,” svarer kvinden, “på syd-siden af øen er der en masse sten. Jeg opdagede, at hvis jeg varmede dem op til en bestemt temperatur i min ovn, smeltede de til jern. Jeg brugte det til at lave værktøj.”

Manden var nu nærmest chokeret.

“Lad os ro over, hvor jeg bor”, foreslog hun. Efter et par minutters roning lagde hun båden til ved en lille kaj. Da manden kigger ud af båden, er han nær ved at falde ud af båden af forbløffelse.

Foran ham ligger en brolagt havegang, som fører op til en større bungalow malet i blåt og hvidt. Mens kvinden binder båden med et perfekt vævet hamp-reb, laver manden ikke andet end at kigge lamslået på huset.

Mens de går ind i huset, siger hun afslappet: “Det er ikke meget, men jeg kalder det mit hjem. Værs´go og sæt dig ned, vil du have noget at drikke?”

“Nej tak”, siger han, stadig forbløffet. “Jeg kan ikke klare mere kokos-juice.”

“Det er ikke kokos-juice”, svarer hun, “Jeg har et hjemmebrænderi. Hvad vil du sige til en Tequila Sunrise eller en Pina colada?”
Manden forsøger at skjule sin forundring og siger: “Sunrise, tak!”

De sætter sig ned på hendes sofa for at tale sammen. Efter de har fortalt hinanden deres historier, siger hun: “Jeg smutter lige i noget mere komfortabelt. Vil du gerne barbere dig og tage et bad? Der er en barbermaskine oppe ovenpå i badeværelset.”

Manden er nu holdt op med at tvivle på noget og går op på badeværelset. Der finder han en barberskraber med et ben-håndtag. To muslingeskaller er slebet til og fungerer som barberblade.

“Den kvinde er fantastisk,” tænker han ved sig selv, “gad vide, hvad det næste bliver?”

Da han kommer ned igen, finder han hende kun iført strategisk placerede vin-ranker, og hun dufter svagt af gardeniaer. Hun beder ham om at sætte sig ned ved siden af sig.

“Sig mig så,” siger hun forførende, mens hun flytter sig tættere på ham, “vi har været her i virkelig lang tid. Du har været ensom. Der er noget, som jeg virkelig tror, at du har lyst til at gøre lige nu… noget du har længtes efter i alle disse måneder… du ved…” Hun kigger ham dybt i øjnene.

Han kan ikke tro, hvad han hører: “Mener du…?”, han synker kraftigt, “Ka’ka’ kan jeg læse mine emails herfra…?”

Snigmorderen
For et par måneder siden annoncerede CIA efter en snigmorder. 
Det er svært at blive godkendt til den type jobs, og ansøgerne testes grundigt inden ansættelsen. 
Efter at alle ansøgerne havde gennemgået den indledende træning og var blevet checket grundigt, 
var der tre ansøgere tilbage, to mænd og en kvinde. 
De skulle så til en afsluttende test for at afgøre, hvem der skulle have jobbet. 

Den første af mændene blev fulgt hen til en dør, og fik en revolver udleveret. 
Vi er nødt til at kunne være sikre, at du kan adlyde dine instrukser uanset omstændighederne 
sagde CIA agenten. 
“Din kone sidder på en stol gå ind og skyd hende”
manden blev chokeret og sagde: det kan du ikke mene! 
Jeg kunne da aldrig skyde min egen kone! 
“ok” sagde CIA agenten. Så er du ikke den rigtige mand til jobbet.

Derefter blev den anden mand vist hen til døren og fik en revolver samt samme besked:

Manden så også lidt chokeret ud, men tog revolveren og gik ind i lokalet. 
Der var helt stille i 5 minutter, og så kom han ud igen. 
Han havde tårer i øjnene og sagde: jeg prøvede på at skyde hende, men jeg kunne ikke gøre det. 
Jeg er nok ikke den rigtige mand til jobbet. 
CIA agenten sagde: ? nej, det er du ikke? hent din kone og tag hjem.

Nu var det den tredje ansøgers tur, kvinden, der skulle testes. 
Hun blev også vist hen til døren og fik en revolver samt samme besked 
Din mand sidder derinde på en stol. Gå ind og skyd ham? kvinden tog revolveren og åbnede døren. 
Endnu inden den var lukket helt efter hende, hørte CIA agenterne skud. 
Det fortsatte, i alt 13 skud. 
De hørte hvordan der blev skreget, inventar blev smadret, og der blev hamret på væggene. 
Det blev ved i flere minutter, og så blev der helt stille. Døren gik langsomt op, og kvinden kom ud. 
Hun tørrede sveden af panden og sagde: 
“I kunne godt have fortalt mig, at der var løst krudt i revolveren. 
Jeg var nødt til at tæve ham ihjel med stolen.”.

Intet slår et godt ordspil III
I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro – what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government’s fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Falskmønteren
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community…. and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, “Gosh, I’d really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place”.

Skak ved juletid
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 
“But why?” they asked, as they moved off. 
“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.” 

I’m fine
Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?” said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, “Well I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the….” “I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question.”
“Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’!”
Farmer Joe said, “Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road….”
The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.”
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”

Books
A chicken walks into a library, goes up to a librarian and says, “Book book book.” The librarian decides that the chicken wants a book so he gives the chicken a book and the chicken walks away. About ten minutes later the chicken comes back with the book, looking a bit agitated, saying, “Book book book.” The librarian decides the chicken wants another book so he takes the old book back and gives the chicken another book. The chicken walks out the door. Ten minutes later the chicken comes back again, very agitated, saying, “Book book book!” so quickly it almost sounds like one word. The chicken puts the book on the librarians desk and looks up – waiting for another book. This time the librarian gives the chicken another book and decides that something weird is happening. He follows the chicken out the door and into the park, all the way to the pond. In the pond is a frog sitting on a lily pad. The chicken gives the book to the the frog, who then says, “Reddit, reddit.”

Group
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a. Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a bar.

“I’m sorry,” says the barkeep’, after scrutinizing the group, “You can’t come in here without a Thai. ”

En gyserhistorie
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night… when behind him he hears:

Bump…. BUMP… BUMP….

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket (en kiste) banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP… BUMP… BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER… FASTER… BUMP… BUMP… BUMP…

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP…

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket…

and,

The coffin stops.

Komponist-action
En film-producer fik den idé at lave en actionfilm om klassiske komponister. Så han gik til 3 kendte action-skuespillere for at få dem med på idéen. Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude van Damme og Arnold Schwarzenegger syntes alle, det var en rigtig god idé, og indvilligede i at deltage i filmen. Produceren blev så glad, at han lod dem hver især selv vælge, hvem de ville spille i filmen.
Sylvester Stallone sagde: “I’ll be Mozart”.
Jean-Claude van Damme sagde: “I’ll be Beethoven”.
Arnold Schwarzenegger tænker sig om i et minuts tid, og siger så: “I’ll be Bach”.

The Wooden Flute
I Bought A Wooden Whistle
But it wooden whistle.
So I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle.
So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.
So I bought a copper whistle. But the copper steel wooden lead me whistle.
So I bought a tin whistle. Tin it whistled.